The Road...

11.12.10

You know, it is crazy what all can change in 9 months. God has been really good to me in spite of my lack of ambition to spend much time pursuing much of a relationship with him. But this has been a new season. It is like the last season of about 5 years was all about the question of whether or not I could keep going in the face of disappointment. This new season is all about using the tools and discovering the good and bad of that which I picked up from the last season. I'm finding that I'm pretty good at a lot of things that I was terrible at in the last season and also that I'm pretty bad at some things still.

I'm still recovering a spirituality from the dust that took a hit from misplaced expectations in the last season. Pretty much the only thing I have discovered to be constant is the fact that, often without me feeling or seeing it, God is still with me and giving me the intimate fathering I never had as a young man. I'm also seeing that I cannot blame anyone else for that missing element. I'm hard headed, but big hearted. It was a lot for an earthly dad to handle. Sounds kinda weird putting it in those terms. So much of walking with God is invisible, spread out across months and years, shadows, impossible connections, near misses, longings without root, imaginations more real than present reality, and a present reality that the rules don't always apply, but do a lot of times. I guess what I'm saying is that nothing of walking with God seems to make sense other than that He is there and wont leave me alone... Literally. He can take some crap thrown at him and not blink an eye. So, here I am. A believer in the invisible Father who seems to be intent upon taking me where I do not know. Though I give up seeking him, He stands by and helps me in my feverish attempts to go it alone. But, I guess he knows that I have all my life had to make it work, had to find the motivation, had to power through, had to keep hope alive. So natural for me. So his prime focus in Fathering me.

"Rest, son, my rules and my ways are far easier and helpful than you have learned them to be. Live, son, for life is my gift to you and for you to be fully my child, you must live as my child embracing your gifts, forgiving your own failures."

So much to learn. Not sure where I'm going. Thankful for the road behind and a reverant heart for the one ahead. Here I go...