Friendship and safety...

There's been this difficulty growing in my heart for a few years now. It's been really hard to write about it due to the nature of speaking out about subjects like this. But, the time has come. I'm finding that I'm a writer and that, more than a few times, I've been right when it comes to God's heart in spirituality vs. religion. Now, you might think that sounds cocky in a big way. I'm not saying I'm never wrong. But, this is a season where God has been leading me to trust my intuition over what I've been taught by church. I was curious when someone gave a prophetic word that this would be a season where God would begin to show me who He really, really is. This individual said that this would be a very difficult season of unlearning and learning; but that it would also produce a joy that would be unexplainable as well. It's weird how prophecy works. It's never what you think. In fact, I'm convinced that it can't be. God's never thinking from our small mindset with our limitations, hangups, inhibitions in mind. I think He would make prophesy match experience if He didn't love us as much as He does. But, that love sees so far beyond our opinion of best that it often explodes what we would see as enough into an amazing array of blessings and challenges that are, often, too big for us. This is a season where God is taking away my desires to be a part of things that are less than the best. I've been really struggling in this season. And how could I not? Week after week, month after month I've been learning things about God's nature and about myself that contradict directly what I have learned and assumed from my upbringing and church experience. A lot of these things provide a sense of safety or belonging while being built falsely upon wrong views of God. But as I've stepped out in faith away from safety's edge I'm finding a joyous new land and a God who smiles more than frowns.

We're in a time right now where the church is trying everything to survive. We'll patch up the ship, slap new paint on it, give it a new name, bring in new captains and workers. But, the problem is not that we need a better boat. The problem is the season has changed and we're now travelling on land or even to the moon. I believe a lot of the struggling that we're experiencing in the church today is paralleling my own experience. We've built programs, ideas (even really spiritual and hard to reach ones) not on solid ground, but on sand. And now, it's being shaken. The world has so much of what we have and now we're scrambling to prove that we have stuff to offer that's better. But, the problem is... if you take a really good honest look, people in the church are hurting and struggling to an intense degree. God doesn't always provide abundantly what we would expect a son of a king should have. Loved ones die unexpectedly who were just starting to live in truth and excitement. Identity and purpose are few and far between. We desperately sit through services and strive through missions ventures hoping that it will satisfy our need to be a part of something greater. Something that will change the world. But, it doesn't happen. We're growing colder and more distant. Areas that once were Christian are now Muslim, Buddhist, New Age, etc. Churches are closing by the hundreds around the world and all we can do is ask for more money and try to come up with better strategies to reach the world that has heard what we have to offer and long passed on the opportunity.

My heart is longing for the church. I still go to church every week, but I'm not sure that is going to continue for much longer at this rate. The fact is, I'm bored. I liken church to a party where there is dancing and singing, little interaction, and where one person does most of the talking. Who would go to such a party?! We have to be encouraged just to interact with each other-- "turn to your neighbor." Do we not see ourselves? We're told what to do and those who blindly follow are the ones who will eventually be leaders. Go to this group, reach out to these people, read this, look like this, be this way in this situation. We're so afraid to make a wrong move. Does this reflect God's heart? Hmm... well, before the cross maybe. But even then, God had 10 commands which, more than rules to avoid retribution(the way we see them), were guideposts to life. The ten commandments are inside us... all of us... saved or unsaved. The world knows that sleeping with your neighbor's wife is not the path to successful relationships. Murder is a horrible thing in whatever culture you're in. Nothing new there. It's not that we alone have the patent on the rules that make life work. There are many decent people that follow these commands and live more peaceful lives than a lot of Christians who follow the "rules" and judge everyone around them. I'm sorry, but we've got a Christian culture right now that values weirdness in a way that elevates it to the level of spirituality. We're making the mistake of calling personality spirituality. A lot of people are chosen for leadership positions not because of their qualifications and callings, but because of their "sparkling" personalities. It's kinda weird because God's so not concerned with the outward appearances. But, we're obsessed with it. Someone like me cannot become a mainstream leader because I'm not good enough at pretending to be doing ok. I come up with ideas from intuition that, honestly, are often new ideas from what I hear from God's heart. But, we'd rather do what everyone else is doing. That's personality, not spirituality. 99% of people in the world are conformists. Don't rock the boat, love to have safety over new ideas. There was a group of people who missed the coming Messiah one time because they had a preformed view of what it would look like. It was a safe plan. It made sense. Everyone else was doing it. So, God came up with a plan that, I believe, was purposefully wild and crazy. It wasn't that weirdness was the point. I think it was a response to a mindset and heart condition that rejected the identity of the messiah. Are we rejecting the identity of God today by highly-developed logic and reason mixed with tradition?

The question has been asked before, "So, what would you do differently?" I see in my heart a community of people who don't need a structure or a building to be in each others' lives. Who simply can't be apart because they are so intertwined in relationship with each other. It would simply be unnatural for any one of them to be apart from the other. They have mutual likes/dislikes, but they're not all the same. Everyone has personality, flaws, strengths, weaknesses. Certain spiritual parents are amongst them, not from position of being put in that place, but from reputation and respect. They've earned the hearts of those around them with their poignant words of wisdom fraught from years of frustrated faith and experience in the otherworldly. Men with scars on their faces and even deeper wells of strength and tenacity. They would just as likely take a blow for you as offer you a cup of coffee and a good ear to listen. A community built first on friendship. Like our faith. Like how Jesus came to us. A place where nobody goes without. Nobody can, because we won't let them. From the heart, not from compulsion. Giving without badgering, but because of love. Where every gift is given, not because the tenth is expected by God and some mysterious devourer will destroy what you own if you ignore the plate, but because you can't stand the fact of a friend living in the cold or being hungry while you enjoy your success. And get rid of the plates, for goodness sake, please! Sorry, back on task here... *ahem* Where the lonely finds a place to belong. Where the hurting is given the balm that only a community of love can offer. Where weirdness is not the point. Normal people are OK to be normal, but not valuing it above faith. We don't have to look different to be different. Making decisions together for the mutual benefit of everyone. Everyone has a say. Nobody feels left out. Not a "church", but "the" church. Maybe even the group decides to start a business together because we want to make money and be around each other so much. Amazing, a group of friends who want to be around each other. I know, it's genius!

It's not that what we're doing is wrong. God's not angry at the church in it's present form. But, like a father who sees all the potential of a child, God is looking at this 2000 year old offspring of His and I think He's moving it to a new level. A level that is not safe except for a father's voice saying "You're safe if you go this way." A level that you can't plan for or make into a formula. But the question, as with every other decision that leads to somewhere great, is will we start to move out towards what our hearts are telling us? Or will we continue to be fed milk in the nursery of today's church. If meat is for adults, I'm going to go where it takes to get it. As for me, I'm dying of hunger as "safety" is killing the people that I love.

Thanks for reading.

Through the Night...

Time to break the silence.

So, a lot of things... and some stuff... and many people later. Here I am.

I'm not even going to try to catch you up on what these last 6 months have been like. But some descriptive phrases would be:

1. Fear can only be replaced by perfect love
2. If God's giving you favor, you should be moving
3. Don't shortcut yourself with a poverty mentality
4. You have permission, with that comes provision
5. It's already yours, you just have to step into it by faith
6. There is a difference between cursing and cussing
7. There is a difference between being nice and being kind
8. God is a freaking genius at the details
9. Maybe you're just introverted and have a limit for social interaction
10. You ARE a husband already, so make your list so you can recognize her
11. You have a longing for affection that has never truly been realized
12. You need to be touched
13. Your thinking is a gift that God loves about you
14. You are not an employee at heart, that's why you always hate your JOB
15. The fruit of any action is the point, not the action itself
16. Your pioneering spirit breaks through for others by design, not by strife

So, I'm getting my head straight. Most of those things stemmed from decisions I made based on what God was saying. He's teaching me principles from experience. Not from a book and certainly not from someone telling me I should. The desire is already in me to reach out for His best.

Solving problems which come from mistakes is part of the process.

Fear can go to hell where it came from.

Where two or more...

So, hopefully I'll tell you about my friends and some of my doings in this post. But first, I want to write about how God connected our paths.

The story goes, I showed up in the Sacramento a few months ago looking for a job. After a week (8 days) of soul/job searching I showed up at Peet's Coffee & Tea in Davis and got hired on the spot. That same day, I moved into a place in Davis as well. No breaking news there. Now the story gets interesting. So, from Texas my good friend Leah Thompson, who definitely has the gift of outgoingness and knows everyone, writes and tells me that she happens (by God I believe) to have a friend who lives in Davis named Sergio. Sergio invited me to the 20's group that he helps lead through FBC Davis on Wednesday nights. At the meeting, I enjoyed the fellowship, but determined that it would be my last time going because it just wasn't my style. But, before I could get out the door, I was tackled by the person in charge of the weekly email list. After a sugar-coated attempt to dart out the door and run for my life, I reluctantly gave them my email. So, a day later I got my first email from the "Roaring 20's Roledex" explaining that they found someone from The Mission, my church, who used to go to their group. Through that contact I found that there was a very small group of believers living in Davis attending The Mission. I started carpooling with them and found that they met Wednesday nights to pray and just be together. Within that, I found friendship and like-hearted people. And within that found accountability with one of the guys. Woohoo!

So, here's a little info about my friends:

Brent

Is working on his Ph.D planning to move soon in connection with that end. He's really laid back, plays guitar (which I have yet to hear), and overall is showing himself a great friend. Also, like myself, he's single and looking... for da ladies ;-)


David & Alex

Married and in their 2nd year. They're in leadership with the Mission, though I'm not sure all that they do. David works for a grounds & facilities department, I think. Does mostly statistics and worksheet type stuff. Alex works for a place that takes care of mentally/physically handicapped people. A therapist I believe. Their job situations are quite vague to me at this point, actually. But they love Jesus and people well. And they are really gifted in hospitality.


Justin & Ivonna
(no picture)
This couple is from Croatia. They are really neat and just had their first baby a couple of days ago. A few weeks ago they had us all over for crepes.


Ok, those are most of my friends. Now here are some pictures from a trip that we guys went on to San Diego. We attended The Call which was a prayer event for the nation right before the elections.


















































Well, that's that for now. Hopefully more to come soon.

Happy Day...

Two months in California and counting...

So, since the last post I've had some pretty neat experiences. One of which was my trip to Disney Land. The way this trip came to pass was amazing as much as the park itself. On my move from Texas, I stayed with James Love in Pasadena. That was fun... except I got a ticket taking a left turn onto a street that is restricted during certain hours of the day. So, my time to visit the courthouse was set for the early part of October. Initially I was pretty bummed out about it, but it turned out to be a blessing, though it's not quite over yet.

Now, James has an artist friend named Mike who does animation for Disney. So, we got into the park for free. This was an exciting day to go as well for two reasons. Number one, it was the same day as Miley Cyrus'(Hannah Montana, Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter) 16th birthday celebration at Disney. Very exciting. We didn't stay for the party :-|(it was invitation only... I guess we slipped her mind). Also, in continuation of my California cultural education, it was Gay Day at the park.

Anyways, this was definitely the most enjoyable theme park experience I've ever had. The rides are really creative and some have their own theme music that plays during the ride. More than anything, though, it was just refreshing to be able to relax in the company of friends--definitely not the norm these days.

So, other than that, been working at Peet's Coffee. For a while I was looking for a second part-time job, but I think the word from God for this season is to dwell in the land and feed on his faithfulness (Psalm 37). So, that's more what I'm focusing on right now--just doing a great job and picking up hours wherever I can. And I'm watching Him make the money work out all the time. It's actually quite ridiculously amazing the way he does it.

He's really, really good at what He does.

Life... à la mode!

So, maybe after a two-week break there's enough life that's happened to make up a short post.

Ok, well, I started the foundations course a week late at The Mission because of work schedule. It's pretty cool, though. Actually, it's a lot more work than I was anticipating. They assign homework. I kinda miss homework... something about it makes you feel smarter--even when you're just staring at the wall at Peet's thinking about something totally unrelated to Foundations homework-- *clears throat* -- but, I've... never... done that. This course is really going to be good for me, though. It's a requirement for any church involvement other than the regular meetings, i.e. mission trips, corporate outreach, etc. And the leaders really have a heart to bring people into the experience of God that is in the information. So, they make us put it into practice in class. Pretty neat idea.

As I've mentioned before, it's been slow getting to know people here. Well, on Sunday I was really excited to go to my first small group meeting. So, I hung out after church in Vacaville till 4pm when the meeting was to start. For the last 45min of my wait I was actually in front of the house resting in my car thinking "I really hope they don't look out their windows and see me." So, the time came around... I was a bit curious. No other cars driving up. "Hmmmmm...", I thought. Knocked on the door. No response. Yeah, so it turns out they're on a mission trip this week and I guess I missed the memo in typical Thomas style.

But all was not lost. I know God's got good planning, but this week was amazing. So, a little back story. Money's been tight but enough amazingly for everything I need... I mean, if I could write out the balance sheet of the last month and a half it would look like this: Thomas-???? God-:-) How does he do it? Like when rent's due, loan payment's due, my battery on my car dies, and my first and only paycheck is two weeks late (literally living on tips which varies from $20-30 a week!). But... here I sit. I haven't missed a meal. Probably actually gained some weight from eating beans, rice and potatoes. I now make a mean stew, by the way. Anyways, I finally got paid and it is EXACTLY the amount to cover rent, loan payment, replacement battery ($91 Ouch!), and tithe. Not only that, but the financial timing has been perfect as well. If the check was any later I would have been sunk.

Wow, what a long back story... So, God's timing and suprises are great! So, with the last two paragraphs coloring for you my situation in general (few friends, not many tasty enhancements to my diet), you'll now know the importance of Wednesday. I was actually invited by my church carpool to a prayer meeting they have on Wednesday nights. So, I show up 10 minutes late... On my way I'm picturing a very solemn meeting with people crying out to God in fervent intercession. And where you sneak in and get a look from the leader like "this is very serious, please be seated." And, of course, you're kicking yourself for being late because if there were refreshments you missed them; and to eat them during or afterwards, well, that would just be cheating, right? Borderline gluttonesque (you sinner;-)). So, long story short... I walked in and they were just chatting. Then they forced me to have iced cream with the chocolate shell stuff on top... a real sacrifice, which I thoroughly enjoyed... wow (now Kelli is jealous). And if that wasn't good enough... when we started they asked me to lead worship for them! I mean, God. He's like specifically setting me up. Also, they seem to be really great guys that are searching for the kingdom and what it means and how to live it at work and in life--the very questions I've been pondering.

I think these are going to be some good friends over time.

Next time, maybe I'll tell you about Eliju (Ee-lie-who), who is probably the most interesting spiritualist person I've met yet in California. Or possibly about the bisexual-liberal-buddist I work with... Oh, the possibilities. But you'll just have to wait!

:-D

One year...

Well, the plan is... still figuring that one out. After a couple of weeks of praying every prayer I know and trying to sell my car, the best offer I got was $2,200. So, I'm not selling my car and I'm not doing the worship training school this year.

You know, I'm actually really relieved that God is leading me in this direction. To be honest, I've been struggling with lonliness and boredom; but add to that the uneasiness of not being sure where to concentrate my attention and energy. I've really needed to be able to point myself in a direction and say I'm going this way. Lately it's been more like pointing myself in several possible directions and feeling stuck. So, here I am. I'm going to work for a year and save to be able to do the school next year or possibly to do something completely different. A year can change a lot of things, huh? I know that for sure first hand. That doesn't mean I'm home free by any means. God is really going to have to provide me with several things. And this is what I'm praying for right now as well:


1. Godly friendship. This is moving really sloooow. But I'm about to do an 8-week foundations course with the church to get to know people.

2. Discipleship. I'm not taking this instance with the training school to sit back, but I'm taking it as leading from Jesus that I'm to pursue growth other ways. I need accountability and to experience the joy of a godly mentor relationship. If you know me well, you know I'm a verbal processor. I need a pair of ears to help me think!

3. Job. I'm going to need a second part-time job or a full-time job.


In the last two weeks everything's been screaming at me that I've made the wrong decision and that it's all falling apart. I just want to say for the record that God is faithful even when things don't go my way. I will see the goodness of the Lord in my situation. So, according to his plan and leading, I'm committing to stay here a year and seek what God has for me. He can mess my plans up if desired, but I'm not leaving for fear of failure or lack, if you know what I mean.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm so thankful for my friendships from home and abroad. I know I would not be walking in very much confidence and encouragement right now without the history of walking with such wonderful faith-filled friends.

I'm blessed!

Picture time

So, in keeping up with Kristine--as if I really could--
I've got a picture now on my blog.






Thanks... you can all go home now.