The Road...

11.12.10

You know, it is crazy what all can change in 9 months. God has been really good to me in spite of my lack of ambition to spend much time pursuing much of a relationship with him. But this has been a new season. It is like the last season of about 5 years was all about the question of whether or not I could keep going in the face of disappointment. This new season is all about using the tools and discovering the good and bad of that which I picked up from the last season. I'm finding that I'm pretty good at a lot of things that I was terrible at in the last season and also that I'm pretty bad at some things still.

I'm still recovering a spirituality from the dust that took a hit from misplaced expectations in the last season. Pretty much the only thing I have discovered to be constant is the fact that, often without me feeling or seeing it, God is still with me and giving me the intimate fathering I never had as a young man. I'm also seeing that I cannot blame anyone else for that missing element. I'm hard headed, but big hearted. It was a lot for an earthly dad to handle. Sounds kinda weird putting it in those terms. So much of walking with God is invisible, spread out across months and years, shadows, impossible connections, near misses, longings without root, imaginations more real than present reality, and a present reality that the rules don't always apply, but do a lot of times. I guess what I'm saying is that nothing of walking with God seems to make sense other than that He is there and wont leave me alone... Literally. He can take some crap thrown at him and not blink an eye. So, here I am. A believer in the invisible Father who seems to be intent upon taking me where I do not know. Though I give up seeking him, He stands by and helps me in my feverish attempts to go it alone. But, I guess he knows that I have all my life had to make it work, had to find the motivation, had to power through, had to keep hope alive. So natural for me. So his prime focus in Fathering me.

"Rest, son, my rules and my ways are far easier and helpful than you have learned them to be. Live, son, for life is my gift to you and for you to be fully my child, you must live as my child embracing your gifts, forgiving your own failures."

So much to learn. Not sure where I'm going. Thankful for the road behind and a reverant heart for the one ahead. Here I go...

Colorado: learning the ways of the mountains...

4.16.10

Well, here I am... Beautiful Colorado.

After a pretty lengthy job search I found a job at the Vail Marriott as a valet. Never even thought of being a valet before. But right now in the "mud season," as they call it here, I'm very thankful to have found a job. But
many things are telling me that this is not just a job. For starters, there will be times that I will make a boat load of cash, which I really need to be a regular occurrence. Actually, the money I make will be directly dependant upon my performance. I was advised recently that I would flourish in that kind of job because I'm a strategist and a hard worker and great at serving people with excellence. So, even though I wasn't sure about it at first, I'm now realizing this is huge.

Another reason this is not just a job is that I've worked harder than ever before to get it. You see, I've been on this journey of discovering what it means to be a son with a Father who is God. When I started learning this, about two years ago, I was a mess. I had lived for a while as a baby Christian who was very used to relying directly on God to do stuff for me. Just waiting around to be fed and crying a lot. Jealous of those who had what I knew I could get if I would take the initiative. Don't get me wrong, I did work hard to try and move my life forward, but my issue that held me back wasn't a lack of activity, but the lack of perspective. I would try to move forward, but a spirit of religion, a poverty mentality, and a view of myself as a weak baby kept me only pushing until I received resistance. Then I would get angry at God and others for not helping me. But, my problem was in the lack of confidence that comes from being a son who's Father is God Himself. God longs for my partnership and sonship in everything--not just what looks "spiritual." That sounds like a lot more fun than it really is... I mean, don't get me wrong, it has provided times of intense joy, but it has also been really hard to get up and try to walk after falling so many times. It has really surprised me how important the human tasks of just normal life (job, eating, sleeping, friendship, money, fun) are to Father as I've walked with Him. He really cares for my well being which includes all of those... And more. Maybe a wife, eh? But, I'm discovering life in the spirit to be a wild ride that never seems to stop being interesting, to say the least. Me getting this job is both a blessing and the result of my days of walking into places and putting in applications and networking and proving myself in my last job which I really didn't want. So... Not just waiting for something to come along which is what I thought trust meant. I'll tell you this much, it takes much more trust to pray and then wisely make decisions and move on them than to pray and wait for the situations you have hated for years to be fixed by God. The latter is life as a spiritual baby, not as a young adult.

Anyways... Those are my ramblings. Otherwise I'm doing good. Kinda looking for another place to live where I'll have a living room to chill in. Kinda dreaming of buying a house and starting a hostel here in the Vail valley.

Finding God... Letting myself be found. Round and round we go.

Email to a friend... Update on past years.

3.22.10

Just sent an email to a friend, Matt Crosby, with a great recap of the last couple of years...enjoy!
--------------------------------------------
Matt!

So glad you still answer that address. You have to send me your number so we can chat soon.

Bro, it has been a journey and a half since we last hung out. It's like hard to explain, but i had just a lot of things to work through and I'm not saying i'll never have stuff to work through again (just part of life), but I'm much better for these years. My walk with God is different than ever... Just not fear or works based and more just trusting that i'm safe with Him. Been exploring elements of religious tendencies and poverty mindsets that needed to go and were sabotaging my attempts at living an enjoyable, peace-full life. 

But without realizing what I needed(or really that I was dealing with any of that stuff)I felt God calling me to California with the promise that He was upgrading me from childhood to sonship. Which is exactly what happened. During that time it was the most joyful and painful time of my life as God introduced me to things and ways of thinking that are based on His matrix of thinking which comes from His wonderful nature. That nature always swings in my favor as a son. He would rather me be joyful moving from one mistake to the next and correcting my actions based on experience than to sit still and afraid of making a wrong move... Always analyzing and convincing myself that it won't work. I truly have experienced that with God everything is possible. He is so funny and a friend. I'm covenanted to Him forever by my choice, but also by His. We daily choose each other in this partnership. And it is nice to know that, though this is not an equal partnership obviously, He chooses to treat me with the honor and respect with loving correction that a father offers a son when they work on stuff.

Anyways, I'm in Colorado now on the Western slopes in a town called Vail. I work right now at a starbucks that is owned by Vail Resorts which owns hotels all over the world. My seasonal job is about to end, but there is a job that could be offered to me soon for banquet captain which is a year round position.

Here's a brief summary of my life in the last few years:

...August '08... 
-Leave Tx for California
-Stay in Sacramento hostel for a week 
-Find a job in Davis at Peet's Coffee
-Move into house on horse farm 5 miles on the same road my job is.
...After 7 months...
-Promised 3 times a promotion to full time which never happens.
-Big financial struggle just to eat
-Start making friends which really helps
...March '09...
-Transfer to Vacaville Peet's which is closer to church and some friends... 
-Move in with a family from the church which ends up being a great friendship
-Very unhappy with treatment at job and still can't live happily on part time income.
-Try to date a couple girls, but nothing happens... Eventually date someone really great... not right for each other in the end though.
...August '09...
- Decide to try and start a coffee company which is what I thought was God's plan. I think it was, and I learned a ton.
-Quit my job at Peet's and start selling smoothies at local farmers markets and fairs.
-After my main investor can't put money in as I thought I realize I need to get a job just to survive.
...September '09...
-Move in with a couple from Northern Ireland who go to the church. Like hearted and amazing people. Lifelong friends as well like the last people I was with. 
-Job search for 4 months turns up nothing. But these are months of intense growth in character and faith...
-Girlfriend breaks up with me because I just can't handle the stress of everything crashing in as no money is coming in and financial consequences are mounting. Plus, I just acted like an ass.
...January '10...
-Totally burned out job searching.
-My friend John Moore who lives in Denver with his wife Deb(probably best friends ever) have opening for me to live with them for a month and hopefully find a job in hospitality in Vail. John has a friend, Brian, who knows managers at several resorts in the area.
...February '10...
-Drive to Denver and job searched in Vail for 3 weeks.
-Find a job yet again in coffee only this time I am a hotel employee with more options.
-Car breaks down at the exit that is for my new place on my move up. $1800 to fix which I don't have. So I buy a bike and start using public transit.

And now... Just living life and getting to know the area. Really want this job in banqueting. 

Ok... There you go. There's a lot more of course. But let's chat soon! Send me your number.

Cheers, bro!

Thomas

Friendship and safety...

There's been this difficulty growing in my heart for a few years now. It's been really hard to write about it due to the nature of speaking out about subjects like this. But, the time has come. I'm finding that I'm a writer and that, more than a few times, I've been right when it comes to God's heart in spirituality vs. religion. Now, you might think that sounds cocky in a big way. I'm not saying I'm never wrong. But, this is a season where God has been leading me to trust my intuition over what I've been taught by church. I was curious when someone gave a prophetic word that this would be a season where God would begin to show me who He really, really is. This individual said that this would be a very difficult season of unlearning and learning; but that it would also produce a joy that would be unexplainable as well. It's weird how prophecy works. It's never what you think. In fact, I'm convinced that it can't be. God's never thinking from our small mindset with our limitations, hangups, inhibitions in mind. I think He would make prophesy match experience if He didn't love us as much as He does. But, that love sees so far beyond our opinion of best that it often explodes what we would see as enough into an amazing array of blessings and challenges that are, often, too big for us. This is a season where God is taking away my desires to be a part of things that are less than the best. I've been really struggling in this season. And how could I not? Week after week, month after month I've been learning things about God's nature and about myself that contradict directly what I have learned and assumed from my upbringing and church experience. A lot of these things provide a sense of safety or belonging while being built falsely upon wrong views of God. But as I've stepped out in faith away from safety's edge I'm finding a joyous new land and a God who smiles more than frowns.

We're in a time right now where the church is trying everything to survive. We'll patch up the ship, slap new paint on it, give it a new name, bring in new captains and workers. But, the problem is not that we need a better boat. The problem is the season has changed and we're now travelling on land or even to the moon. I believe a lot of the struggling that we're experiencing in the church today is paralleling my own experience. We've built programs, ideas (even really spiritual and hard to reach ones) not on solid ground, but on sand. And now, it's being shaken. The world has so much of what we have and now we're scrambling to prove that we have stuff to offer that's better. But, the problem is... if you take a really good honest look, people in the church are hurting and struggling to an intense degree. God doesn't always provide abundantly what we would expect a son of a king should have. Loved ones die unexpectedly who were just starting to live in truth and excitement. Identity and purpose are few and far between. We desperately sit through services and strive through missions ventures hoping that it will satisfy our need to be a part of something greater. Something that will change the world. But, it doesn't happen. We're growing colder and more distant. Areas that once were Christian are now Muslim, Buddhist, New Age, etc. Churches are closing by the hundreds around the world and all we can do is ask for more money and try to come up with better strategies to reach the world that has heard what we have to offer and long passed on the opportunity.

My heart is longing for the church. I still go to church every week, but I'm not sure that is going to continue for much longer at this rate. The fact is, I'm bored. I liken church to a party where there is dancing and singing, little interaction, and where one person does most of the talking. Who would go to such a party?! We have to be encouraged just to interact with each other-- "turn to your neighbor." Do we not see ourselves? We're told what to do and those who blindly follow are the ones who will eventually be leaders. Go to this group, reach out to these people, read this, look like this, be this way in this situation. We're so afraid to make a wrong move. Does this reflect God's heart? Hmm... well, before the cross maybe. But even then, God had 10 commands which, more than rules to avoid retribution(the way we see them), were guideposts to life. The ten commandments are inside us... all of us... saved or unsaved. The world knows that sleeping with your neighbor's wife is not the path to successful relationships. Murder is a horrible thing in whatever culture you're in. Nothing new there. It's not that we alone have the patent on the rules that make life work. There are many decent people that follow these commands and live more peaceful lives than a lot of Christians who follow the "rules" and judge everyone around them. I'm sorry, but we've got a Christian culture right now that values weirdness in a way that elevates it to the level of spirituality. We're making the mistake of calling personality spirituality. A lot of people are chosen for leadership positions not because of their qualifications and callings, but because of their "sparkling" personalities. It's kinda weird because God's so not concerned with the outward appearances. But, we're obsessed with it. Someone like me cannot become a mainstream leader because I'm not good enough at pretending to be doing ok. I come up with ideas from intuition that, honestly, are often new ideas from what I hear from God's heart. But, we'd rather do what everyone else is doing. That's personality, not spirituality. 99% of people in the world are conformists. Don't rock the boat, love to have safety over new ideas. There was a group of people who missed the coming Messiah one time because they had a preformed view of what it would look like. It was a safe plan. It made sense. Everyone else was doing it. So, God came up with a plan that, I believe, was purposefully wild and crazy. It wasn't that weirdness was the point. I think it was a response to a mindset and heart condition that rejected the identity of the messiah. Are we rejecting the identity of God today by highly-developed logic and reason mixed with tradition?

The question has been asked before, "So, what would you do differently?" I see in my heart a community of people who don't need a structure or a building to be in each others' lives. Who simply can't be apart because they are so intertwined in relationship with each other. It would simply be unnatural for any one of them to be apart from the other. They have mutual likes/dislikes, but they're not all the same. Everyone has personality, flaws, strengths, weaknesses. Certain spiritual parents are amongst them, not from position of being put in that place, but from reputation and respect. They've earned the hearts of those around them with their poignant words of wisdom fraught from years of frustrated faith and experience in the otherworldly. Men with scars on their faces and even deeper wells of strength and tenacity. They would just as likely take a blow for you as offer you a cup of coffee and a good ear to listen. A community built first on friendship. Like our faith. Like how Jesus came to us. A place where nobody goes without. Nobody can, because we won't let them. From the heart, not from compulsion. Giving without badgering, but because of love. Where every gift is given, not because the tenth is expected by God and some mysterious devourer will destroy what you own if you ignore the plate, but because you can't stand the fact of a friend living in the cold or being hungry while you enjoy your success. And get rid of the plates, for goodness sake, please! Sorry, back on task here... *ahem* Where the lonely finds a place to belong. Where the hurting is given the balm that only a community of love can offer. Where weirdness is not the point. Normal people are OK to be normal, but not valuing it above faith. We don't have to look different to be different. Making decisions together for the mutual benefit of everyone. Everyone has a say. Nobody feels left out. Not a "church", but "the" church. Maybe even the group decides to start a business together because we want to make money and be around each other so much. Amazing, a group of friends who want to be around each other. I know, it's genius!

It's not that what we're doing is wrong. God's not angry at the church in it's present form. But, like a father who sees all the potential of a child, God is looking at this 2000 year old offspring of His and I think He's moving it to a new level. A level that is not safe except for a father's voice saying "You're safe if you go this way." A level that you can't plan for or make into a formula. But the question, as with every other decision that leads to somewhere great, is will we start to move out towards what our hearts are telling us? Or will we continue to be fed milk in the nursery of today's church. If meat is for adults, I'm going to go where it takes to get it. As for me, I'm dying of hunger as "safety" is killing the people that I love.

Thanks for reading.

Through the Night...

Time to break the silence.

So, a lot of things... and some stuff... and many people later. Here I am.

I'm not even going to try to catch you up on what these last 6 months have been like. But some descriptive phrases would be:

1. Fear can only be replaced by perfect love
2. If God's giving you favor, you should be moving
3. Don't shortcut yourself with a poverty mentality
4. You have permission, with that comes provision
5. It's already yours, you just have to step into it by faith
6. There is a difference between cursing and cussing
7. There is a difference between being nice and being kind
8. God is a freaking genius at the details
9. Maybe you're just introverted and have a limit for social interaction
10. You ARE a husband already, so make your list so you can recognize her
11. You have a longing for affection that has never truly been realized
12. You need to be touched
13. Your thinking is a gift that God loves about you
14. You are not an employee at heart, that's why you always hate your JOB
15. The fruit of any action is the point, not the action itself
16. Your pioneering spirit breaks through for others by design, not by strife

So, I'm getting my head straight. Most of those things stemmed from decisions I made based on what God was saying. He's teaching me principles from experience. Not from a book and certainly not from someone telling me I should. The desire is already in me to reach out for His best.

Solving problems which come from mistakes is part of the process.

Fear can go to hell where it came from.

Where two or more...

So, hopefully I'll tell you about my friends and some of my doings in this post. But first, I want to write about how God connected our paths.

The story goes, I showed up in the Sacramento a few months ago looking for a job. After a week (8 days) of soul/job searching I showed up at Peet's Coffee & Tea in Davis and got hired on the spot. That same day, I moved into a place in Davis as well. No breaking news there. Now the story gets interesting. So, from Texas my good friend Leah Thompson, who definitely has the gift of outgoingness and knows everyone, writes and tells me that she happens (by God I believe) to have a friend who lives in Davis named Sergio. Sergio invited me to the 20's group that he helps lead through FBC Davis on Wednesday nights. At the meeting, I enjoyed the fellowship, but determined that it would be my last time going because it just wasn't my style. But, before I could get out the door, I was tackled by the person in charge of the weekly email list. After a sugar-coated attempt to dart out the door and run for my life, I reluctantly gave them my email. So, a day later I got my first email from the "Roaring 20's Roledex" explaining that they found someone from The Mission, my church, who used to go to their group. Through that contact I found that there was a very small group of believers living in Davis attending The Mission. I started carpooling with them and found that they met Wednesday nights to pray and just be together. Within that, I found friendship and like-hearted people. And within that found accountability with one of the guys. Woohoo!

So, here's a little info about my friends:

Brent

Is working on his Ph.D planning to move soon in connection with that end. He's really laid back, plays guitar (which I have yet to hear), and overall is showing himself a great friend. Also, like myself, he's single and looking... for da ladies ;-)


David & Alex

Married and in their 2nd year. They're in leadership with the Mission, though I'm not sure all that they do. David works for a grounds & facilities department, I think. Does mostly statistics and worksheet type stuff. Alex works for a place that takes care of mentally/physically handicapped people. A therapist I believe. Their job situations are quite vague to me at this point, actually. But they love Jesus and people well. And they are really gifted in hospitality.


Justin & Ivonna
(no picture)
This couple is from Croatia. They are really neat and just had their first baby a couple of days ago. A few weeks ago they had us all over for crepes.


Ok, those are most of my friends. Now here are some pictures from a trip that we guys went on to San Diego. We attended The Call which was a prayer event for the nation right before the elections.


















































Well, that's that for now. Hopefully more to come soon.

Happy Day...

Two months in California and counting...

So, since the last post I've had some pretty neat experiences. One of which was my trip to Disney Land. The way this trip came to pass was amazing as much as the park itself. On my move from Texas, I stayed with James Love in Pasadena. That was fun... except I got a ticket taking a left turn onto a street that is restricted during certain hours of the day. So, my time to visit the courthouse was set for the early part of October. Initially I was pretty bummed out about it, but it turned out to be a blessing, though it's not quite over yet.

Now, James has an artist friend named Mike who does animation for Disney. So, we got into the park for free. This was an exciting day to go as well for two reasons. Number one, it was the same day as Miley Cyrus'(Hannah Montana, Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter) 16th birthday celebration at Disney. Very exciting. We didn't stay for the party :-|(it was invitation only... I guess we slipped her mind). Also, in continuation of my California cultural education, it was Gay Day at the park.

Anyways, this was definitely the most enjoyable theme park experience I've ever had. The rides are really creative and some have their own theme music that plays during the ride. More than anything, though, it was just refreshing to be able to relax in the company of friends--definitely not the norm these days.

So, other than that, been working at Peet's Coffee. For a while I was looking for a second part-time job, but I think the word from God for this season is to dwell in the land and feed on his faithfulness (Psalm 37). So, that's more what I'm focusing on right now--just doing a great job and picking up hours wherever I can. And I'm watching Him make the money work out all the time. It's actually quite ridiculously amazing the way he does it.

He's really, really good at what He does.